Immediately...

• If you miscarry at home, call your doctor and/or 911. Consider placing your baby and placenta in a clean container, so that genetic testing or an autopsy can be done to identify or rule out possible causes of the miscarriage.
• If you miscarry at the hospital, talk with your doctor about doing genetic testing or an autopsy.

In the first hours... Difficult as it will be, many parents find comfort in:

• Seeing and/or touching the baby (most hospitals will accommodate)
• Having photos taken of the baby (most hospitals will accommodate; volunteer photographers may be contacted through the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation)
• Having a religious ceremony performed, such as baptism
• Naming the baby and getting a birth/death certificate
• Having the hospital make hand/foot/ear prints of the baby
• Donating the body to science
• Keeping mementos from the hospital, such as ID tags
• Donating your breast milk through the Human Milk Banking Association of North America: (919) 787-5181

Talk about these options with your doctor or nurse. These will be difficult decisions and actions to take now, but later, when you are stronger, they may help you connect with and memorialize your baby, whom you knew all too briefly. Ask your doctor or nurse what to expect regarding your physical recovery, including bleeding, cramping, and lactation. Ask how you can minimize your discomfort in the coming week. You may also want to talk to a hospital chaplain or social worker about your loss.

In the first week...

• Decide how you would like to treat your baby's remains. Burial and cremation are common choices, and many couples hold a private or public memorial service. The following funeral homes will provide these services for little or no cost. Alternatively, your hospital can take care of these arrangements.

  Duggan's Serra	Daly City	(650) 756-4500
  Sneider & Sullivan	San Mateo	(650) 343-1804
  Jones Mortuary	East Palo Alto	(650) 323-2481
  Oak Hill	San Jose	(408) 297-2447
  Norman's	Soquel	(831) 476-6211

• Arrange a follow up meeting with your obstetrician to discuss pathology results, further testing you may wish to have done, and any questions or problems you have.

• Contact a local support group. Helping After Neonatal Death (HAND) has biweekly meetings for people whose children have died before, at, or soon after birth. Each chapter has a lending library, peer counseling, home visits, and a newsletter.

  HAND of the Peninsula (also Antioch, San Francisco and Santa Cruz) P.O. Box 3693 Redwood City, CA 94064 (650) 367-6993 www.HANDsupport.org

  Helping After Neonatal Death (Santa Clara, Alameda, Contra Costa Counties and Central Valley) Post Office Box 341 Los Gatos, CA 95301-0341 (408) 995-6102 (888) 908-HAND www.handonline.org

• Consider sending out a birth/death announcement to friends and family. Announcements, books, ornaments, and other mementos are available from:

  Perinatal Loss 2116 NE 18th Ave. Portland, OR 97212 (503) 284-7426 grieving@teleport.com

  Centering Corporation 7230 Maple Street Omaha, NE 68134 (402) 553-1200 www.centering.org

Over the coming weeks and months... Consider other ways of honoring your baby and making his/her life more real.

• If you haven't named the baby already, give him/her a name (unisex if you don't know the sex)
• Wear a pendant or other piece of jewelry
• Have a favorite object created into a custom urn: (800) 992-7292, www.creativecremains.com
• Create or purchase an artwork
• Make a donation to a favorite charity
• Plant a tree

• Youth and Family Enrichment Services: San Mateo County. 24-hour crisis and parent support lines, (650) 579-0350, (888) 220-7575 (toll free), www.yfes.org
• TALK Line 24-Hour Parental Stress Line: San Francisco. (415) 441-KIDS (5437), www.talklineforparents.org
• Pregnancy After Loss Support Group: San Francisco. Newborn Connections, California Pacific Medical Center, 3698 California Street. Facilitated by Cherie Golant, LCSW, (415) 600-2229, cpmcnewborn@sutterhealth.org
• Life After Loss Support Group: San Francisco. California Pacific Medical Center, 3698 California Street. For interruption of a wanted pregnancy following prenatal or genetic diagnosis. For information, call Kerstin Spangner at (415) 600-2628
• Grupo Amparo (en Español): San Francisco. Support group and telephone support for Spanish speaking parents and families with a neonatal loss or the death of an infant child. For information, call Julie Mitra at (415) 764-0211
• SAND of the East Bay (Support After Neonatal Death): (510) 204-1571
• SAND of Fairfield (Support After Neonatal Death): Facilitated by Deb Kight, RN, (707) 646-5433
• Beyond Choice Support Group: Oakland. For interruption of a wanted pregnancy after prenatal or genetic diagnosis. For information, call Jeanne Menary at (510) 845-4656
• Compassionate Friends: Support group for families who have lost older children. Palo Alto/Burlingame: (650) 302-6832. San Francisco: (650) 350-7928. Marin County: (415) 457-3123. Oakland: (510) 835-3579
• KARA: Palo Alto. Grief counseling on a sliding fee scale, (650) 321-5272, www.kara-grief.org
• Northern California SIDS Alliance: Walnut Creek. Support for Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, (877) 938-7437, www.sidsnc.org
• California SIDS Program: Support for Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, (800) 369-7437, www.californiasids.com

Online Resources

• www.nationalshare.org: Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support is a resource center for parents who have lost a baby before, at, or shortly after death. Its web site has articles, information, and a chat room
• www.hygeia.org: articles, resource and referral information, personal stories, and a site user database
• www.compassionatefriends.org: support for death of a child of any age, (877) 969-0010
• www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org: The Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation administers a national network of 7000 volunteer photographers who will come to a hospital or hospice and conduct a sensitive and private portrait session
• www.aplacetoremember.com: support materials and resources for those who have been touched by a crisis in pregnancy or the death of a baby
• www.misschildren.org: Mothers In Sympathy and Support
• www.mend.org: Mother's Enduring Neonatal Death
• www.climb-support.org: Center for Loss in Multiple Birth (CLIMB)
• www.honoredbabies.org: Honored Babies: learning to live with a broken heart
• www.preconception.com: articles on pregnancy after loss

Helpful Books and Booklets

• Unsung Lullabies: information on grieving with a good bibliography. Free from HAND
• Miscarriage: A Shattered Dream by Sherokee Ilse: short book with resource list.
• Miscarriage: A Man's Book by Rick Wheat: a booklet for dads by a dad.
• Unsupported Losses by Sherokee Ilse: booklet on ectopic and molar pregnancy.

• Empty Arms^* by Sherokee Ilse: coping after miscarriage, stillbirth and infant death. Available from Wintergreen Press
• Empty Cradle, Broken Heart^* by Deborah Davis: surviving the death of your baby. Available from Fulcrum Publishing, Golden, CO
• Parenthood Lost^* by Michael R. Berman: healing the pain after miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death. Available from Bergin & Garvey Publishing
• Unspeakable Losses^* by Kim Kluger-Bell: healing from miscarriage, abortion and other pregnancy loss. Available from Norton Publishing, New York, NY

^*These titles may be purchased in association with Amazon.com by clicking on them directly.